Night Falls

I want to be able to write like I used to – with careless abandon. These days it is like pulling teeth.

I’ve been working harder then I should. I’ve been working until my eyes burn and I cannot see straight. Until my body stops moving properly and goes numb in places.

I work until I want to cry but cannot because I have so much I need to get done. And that’s the point: I work so I don’t have to feel.

But night falls and even I cannot fill every single moment with movement that obscures my absolute reality: I am so fucking lonely.

But you would not know it. No, people do not seem aware because I smile and I laugh and I am polite and ask the right questions whilst waiting for the answers. And then I disappear back to my shop and work until I forget that another way to live exists.

I forget what it feels like to be in love and have built walls so high that any man who attempts to climb them will surely fall. Walls so high that I cannot see the bottom when I look down.

But I don’t have time to look – I just keep working.

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Turning 32 & Finding my Passion (sort of)

Preface: What does “turning 32” actually mean? It doesn’t make much sense if you think about it. You are not literally turning into something else altogether are you?

Please, don’t answer that. I need to keep using that particular adjective for a paragraph or two.

Continue reading “Turning 32 & Finding my Passion (sort of)”